New Rules to Make Baseball Great Again

Major League Baseball has been fucking with the rules the last few years. I’m not sure why they think this is necessary considering the surge in popularity of the sport. Baseball made, as far as we know, real progress in cleaning up the game with respect to steroids. Turns out this honesty has been rewarded with people coming back to the sport. Who would have thought that not being a cheating-lying-sack-of-shit would have positive results? I for one, am shocked!

That wasn’t enough for the big dick pen swingers at MLB. Hells no. They decided to gently take a bulldozer to the rule book to shake out any other atrocities that had been committed over the last hundred odd years. I’m not going to go into all of them or the reasons that were given for the changes because it really doesn’t matter. The changes have made the game less fun to watch and that does matter. Let’s be honest, from one fan to another, baseball does not rank high on the spectator list for action packed intense excitement. It just doesn’t. But that’s okay. So when they take away takeout slides, that sucks. It reduces almost by half the achievement of pulling off a double play. Don’t even get me started on plays at the plate.

Now they have made intentional walks a thing of the past. They can now be done with a wave of the hand from the dugout. Really? It will save time they said. Oh it will, on average about 14 seconds. Yep. 14 seconds. I’ve watched games where guys have spend twice that amount of time scratching their nuts. So I’m going to give you a big ol Fail on that MLB. What this rule does do, is remove the possibility of game changing errors that have occurred do to botched intentional walks.


So in an attempt to save 14 seconds, they have removed yet another aspect of the game that had potential to change the course of a game and made you spill your beer.

Most of the recent changes have been done, they claim, to make the game more fair, safer, or quicker.  If any of those things were really important, there are much better ways at achieving this. Here are some new rules that make the game Safer , Fair , or Quicker

  1. Get rid of pitchers and use pitching machines. no more wild pitches, hit batters, or walks.
  2. No more stealing of any kind, bases or signs.
  3. All games are to end in a tie and will end as soon as the game is tied after the 5th inning.
  4. No more playoffs, it’s not fair to the other teams that worked really hard, a pizza party will be held instead.
  5. If you want to use tobacco, make sure you bring enough for the whole stadium.
  6. Each team will have mothers to chaperone the dugout, bullpen, and locker room. A mother may be assigned to the training staff in the event a Boo-Boo occurs.
  7. No commercials. Like soccer, play will be continuous with breaks only between the 3rd & 7th innings at which time snacks brought by a player’s parent will be consumed. Uniforms can be sold to or supplied by advertisers who will also own the teams because cities are too dangerous to host games in.
  8. Steroids are mandatory. This is not optional. we need more home runs, but it needs to be fair like the Tour De France.
  9. The 5 highest paid players on each team, must support the 5 lowest paid players on each team. This will be known as the Bernie Sanders Tax
  10. In the event of a rain delay or no one showing up to watch. The outcome will be decided by opposing GM’s playing each other in a game of MLB the Show of the current year with downloaded rosters.