LinkedIn, You Suck

I’m not sure if LinkedIn has a personality disorder or if it’s just a dick. Social Media in general sucks. It’s a lame idea and is only making us shittier people. LinkedIn is not Social Media, or at least it shouldn’t be. No one really wants to be social at work. Like butt sex, it sounds good at the time, but then she is sore and you are left with a dick covered in shit. I know LinkedIn desperately wants to be cool like that kid Facebook who sits in the back of the class cracking jokes. But, LinkedIn is the nerd, that kid who reminds the teacher about the homework assignment.

These two social sites should be kept as far the fuck apart from each other as humanly possible. The same way you keep the positive and negative clamps away from each other when jump starting a car. And yes you look like Moses parting the Red Sea with both hands spread wide open; a Korean professional calisthenics instructor when you do this. We’ve all been there.  I don’t get drunk at work or bring my laptop and go over reports while at the bar for happy hour. Likewise keep these two the hell away from each other.

Yet, LinkedIn insists on being your friend. Well, maybe like that annoying son of bitch that was always up your ass in high school wanting to hang out. Yeah, that guy. The one who would say shit like, “I know someone who likes you”, then won’t tell you who is. Yeah, that douche is the guy who is responsible for the spam emails about someone looking at your profile on LinkedIn.  Then when you fall for it (and you know you always do) you click on it go to your profile and ……………

You get a pop up asking to link your social and email accounts to LinkedIn. Because everyone wants pictures and status updates from last weeks debauchery linked to an account that co-workers, supervisors, and potential employers have access to view. After clicking past this bullshit and then clicking on the red notification up top,  which of course turns out to be a another trigger to fire a pop-up to get your social info AGAIN…….. You finally get to your profile to see who likes you, who was looking at your shit and………..

A big fat fuck off is revealed. If you want to see anything you have to sign up to be LinkedIn’s super secret BFF. This way, you can get access to see who likes you.

LinkedIn, fuck off. You are not cool. You never will be. You are a service that while needed is not nor will ever be, the next Facebook. kindly stay the fuck out of my contacts and for Christ’s sake STOP SPAMMING PEOPLE WITH USELESS SHIT!

Oh, and for those people who insist on publishing lame ass boring bullshit in the hopes that your boss sees it. Please kill yourself or join Facebook (it’s always the people without other social media accounts that do this). No one at your firm is reading what you posted on LinkedIn. If you want that brown nose of yours to get noticed, you post that shit on the company intranet. That is what intranets are for. It is the superhighway of ass kissing and office politics.